Why Men Are Resistant to Naming Their Needs

Men come to me with all sorts of issues and challenges. They are too busy. They feel disconnected from God. They don’t know how to make the decision in front of them. They feel troubled by their marriages or children. They don’t know what to do with their guilt or shame or anxiety. They want to hear from God but don’t know how. The list goes on and on.

In any of these situations, I might ask this question:

“So how do you feel about naming what you need right now?”

I get surprising answers and unexpected resistance. It’s not a question they expected from the flow of the conversation. Let’s probe a bit into why this can be difficult for men.

Our core needs

Needs are different from wants or preferences. This is especially true of our core needs. We all have a need for food, sleep, water, and shelter. But our core needs move us beyond our physical needs and into the needs of the heart.

Our core needs are not optional. They are not negotiable. You can try to ignore them, push them down, or tie them to something else, but they will still call out to you. Here is a list of some of our major core needs:

• Need for meaning in life
• Need for love 
• Need for belonging
• Need for understanding
• Need for significance
• Need for security and safety

Let me repeat. These are not optional. You are hard-wired with these needs. It’s part of the created order. It’s part of being an image-bearer. It’s part of being a man.

But with that said, we are often resistant to this. It comes in the form of three objections.

Objection #1: I don’t want to act like I’m needy.

I have heard men say this very thing to me. I get it. Who wants to be needy man? It just sounds weak. Images of fawning or codependent men might come to mind. Whatever the case, it’s a very real resistance.

But this resistance also plays into the lie that real men are independent and strong. They don’t really need anyone or anything. It’s something we might be told as boys or intuit from watching media.

But this is just a terrible lie. Here’s the cost for believing it: If you aren’t honest with your needs, you will bury them. You will become cold, unapproachable, and unable to feel freedom and joy. It’s a dark and lonely life.

The other option is not any better. You will find ways of meeting these needs in unhealthy and unconscious ways through addictions or illicit relationships. You might even shipwreck your life with a terrible decision.

Objection #2: I don’t want to name my needs and be disappointed.

To name our needs is to become vulnerable. But so many of us have experienced being vulnerable and open to others, only to have our hopes dashed and our hearts broken. Who wants to go through that again?

This is an understandable reaction. I have felt it personally at so many levels. But this discounts one of the core truths of the gospel: We are created with needs that God can touch in amazing way.

And this is exactly where we “need” to go with our needs. To name our needs before Jesus just starts to feel different. He is the good and beautiful Shepherd, who knows what we need and is ready to meet those needs.

One of the most astonishing verses in the Bible is Psalm 23:1: “The Lord is my Shepherd; I lack nothing (or I have everything I need).” To sit with this promise and your deep needs is a worthy exercise that will open many wonderful things for you.

Objection #3: It’s selfish to think of my needs.

This sounds like a laudable statement, but it’s a confusion of categories. We don’t think it selfish to consider our need for food, water, shelter, or sleep. Our core needs are like that. We will find some way to take care of them, healthy or unhealthy, holy or unholy.

This objection can come from a misunderstanding of love and the biblical commands. We are to think of others’ needs as more important than ours (Phil. 2:4), but that doesn’t mean we don’t think of ours at all! Further, to be selfish is to be unwilling or unable to consider the needs of others at all. It is to warp the whole world around getting what you need, whatever the cost to others.

A Better Way!

Consider the idea of naming your needs as an adventure in learning to be a whole man who connects deeply with God and others. Write them down. Speak them out loud to Him in prayer. Then you can ask Him, “Jesus, how do you want to meet these needs?” Listen and respond. Then watch how God begins to meet your needs as you name them. Trust Him for the ones that still seem unfulfilled.

Here’s the bottom line: He deeply desires you to flourish in life. Naming your needs and trusting Him leads to a beautiful life of wonder and fruitfulness. It’s a life of flourishing.

Want to hear more or have a question. Just contact me.

Bill