Of all the topics I have discussed with men, this one is the most fraught with tension and peril. We all have a story of sexual formation, and that story for every man I have ever known is littered with shame and confusion. Mine is no different.
This topic can become even more problematic once a man chooses to follow the way of Jesus. His way at first seems so much harder. The guilt and shame seem to tighten, not relax.
To throw more salt into the wound, there are almost no places for life-giving conversations about our sexual lives. For many men growing up, there was only silence or locker-room talk. Sadly, most churches do not provide a place either.
So what is a man to do with this part of himself? Here are the three options.
Option 1 – Let your sexual self run your life
This is the common option once puberty is reached. Without a lot of conversation from fathers and other men, our sexual desire tends to take over. Our ability to make good decisions on our own is not well developed, so we get into deep trouble.
For me, I was terrified of girls. So once I discovered porn, that became the way I let my sexual life run me. It was an easy, no risk solution that also served as my anesthetic from emotional pain. You fill in your own story.
To make it more confusing, our sexual desire seems unattached to our heart’s desires. At least it is rarely described that way. But the longing to connect, the longing for beauty, the longing for completion are inextricably wound around sexual desire.
In the end, this option never, I repeat, never goes well. It causes massive pain in relationships. It leads to the nightmare of sexual addictions. It unleashes collateral damage on your own body and soul.
Some men never choose another path, and their lives become a Shakespearian tragedy. I know some. So do you.
Option 2 – Put your sexual self in prison
When our sexual desire causes enough pain, this seems to be the only out. Place your sexual self in prison. Beat it into submission. Starve it in hopes that it will wither. Banish it to a deserted island. Use discipline, will power, confession.
Some men come to me still caught in the throws of option 1, but more come with option 2 as the only other choice. Here’s how I know. I never hear from them anything positive about sexual desire. It is universally negative, bad.
But this option never ends up well either. A man ends up splitting off a huge chuck of his core self. For who we are sexually colors everything about us — body, mind, soul. Eventually he will feel fragmented, even exhausted. Not only that, but there are often forays back into option 1, leading only to more guilt and shame.
Option 3 – Invite your sexual self to be your friend
OK. I know this sounds crazy. We tend to view our sexual self as an enemy to war against. What if we invited it to be a friend? Better yet, what if we learned to love our sexual self rather than hate it?
How in the world is this possible?
Start here. The ones Jesus showed such deep compassion for were the sexually broken. That’s you, that’s me.
Then go here. Jesus was a man like us. Yes, I know He was God in the flesh, but He was fully man. He gets your sexual self. He knows the temptations here. So you can talk to Him about yours. I mean, talk to Him about it all — the confusion, the sadness, the shame. He will never condemn you.
Now invite others in. Push back against the bully of shame. Tell your sexual story to a trusted brother. Pray with other men about your sexual life.
Along the way, invite your sexual self back into you. Seriously, you can do that. Our sexual desire as men is a good thing. It’s a part of being masculine, made in His image. Along with that, invite Jesus to heal what is amiss or wounded in your sexual story.
You can simply say, Jesus, I invite my sexual self to be my friend. Heal me and make me whole as a man.
Finally, be patient with yourself. Setbacks are guaranteed as part of the journey. All of this will take time. But this is the route to feeling whole and alive as a man. You were created to be sexual.
A final note
This is the Cliff notes version of a vast issue. So much more needs to be said. Others have done that. For example, Leanne Payne’s Crisis in Masculinity or more recently The Sex Talk You Never Got by Sam Jolman.
Jesus is about renewing all of creation, not destroying it. He desires us to become deep-souled, strong men. Allow Him to love you, all of you, even your sexual self. Where this will take you will bring forth gratitude — and even awe.
You may have a lot more questions. Want to continue the conversation? Contact me or just reply to the email.
Bill
