I have had thousands of conversations with men about their spirituality. A man’s spirituality is simply his experience of God. I have not had quite as many, but certainly hundreds of conversations with men about their sexuality. A man’s sexuality is simply his experience of himself as masculine and sexual.
But as a spiritual director, one of my jobs is to be asking, “Where is God in this?” And so I want to ask today this question: “Where is God in our sexuality?” Or to put it more formally, “How do our sexuality and spirituality connect?”
To even ask this question uncovers the reality that for many of us, they don’t. Yet there is something whispering to us that this disconnection is not right, that something is profoundly ajar.
Why the disconnect
There are all sorts of culprits here. Let’s name just a few. We need to start with early, formative experiences of sexuality. So many men have stories of learning about their sexuality through secretive encounters with porn (my own story) or through early sexual experiences. In all of these, God is simply forgotten.
Our secular culture only widens the disconnect. Sexuality is used to market the latest trends or garner bigger audiences for movies. Where is God in this? He is both forgotten and forbidden.
Sadly, families and churches can add to the disconnect. Fathers often don’t know how to talk openly to their sons about God or sexuality. Churches often don’t know how to disciple their men into healthy sexuality that honors Jesus. I know there are fathers and churches that do the brave deed of connecting the two, but they are the exception.
Masculinity as a spiritual blessing
A man’s default understanding of masculinity is that it must be earned, usually through physical conquest. This is the what all most young men intuit in adolescence. There must be a conquest through physical strength (often in sports) or through sexual strength (having sex with girls). But the conquest can take many other forms of competition, from intelligence to money to fame. A man’s need for strength and conquest if not necessarily wrong. It’s just tragically misplaced.
At its root masculinity is spiritual. Made in the image of God as male, our gender comes into full power only in connection to the living God through Jesus. Further, masculinity is not earned. It’s given. It’s a blessing. The blessing is best given by the father to the son, but even that is an echo of the great blessing that the Father can give to any man.
This verse has always astounded me: “Every spiritual blessing has already been lavished upon us as a love gift from our wonderful heavenly Father” (Eph. 1:3). There are so many blessings that come to us through Christ: forgiveness, assurance, adoption, the Holy Spirit, a new family, a new identity. But I believe another of those spiritual blessings is our masculinity.
Here’s the bottom line: Masculinity can never be earned. It is bestowed on you. And if your own father couldn’t do it, the Father can.
Being sexual as a spiritual blessing
This one is more difficult to unpack. Every man’s sexual story I have ever heard has dark caverns of shame, sadness, guilt, and regret. My own has massive ones that nearly swallowed me alive. Being sexual feels like a curse, not a blessing. It seems to move a man away from God, not toward HIm.
But what if this were not the final word? What if being sexual was intended as a blessing. The creation account in Genesis 1 certainly implies this. What if sexual desire was wildly good and beautiful? What would it be like to be sexually alive to the world in a way that honors Jesus?
It may sound impossible, but I believe this is the trajectory of our redemption as men. God wants to redeem all of us—minds, souls, emotions, bodies. And our sexual desire.
This is sometimes where I go with a man in spiritual direction. Questions about sexual desire arise, more often than not. Bringing them to prayer is a start. Asking Jesus honestly about your own sexual desire is one way to begin. But there are many others. Finding a friend to share one’s sexual and spiritual story can help. Bringing God into one’s marital experiences of sex through prayer is another.
Final Thoughts
This is a massive topic. I haven’t even given enough for an outline. So much more needs to be said. But I have to start somewhere.
Here’s where you can start. Get quiet for a few minutes and ask Jesus, “How can walking with You make me truly masculine and sexual?” Remember, He was a man. He gets all this. Sit with Jesus and listen. What He might say to you may be the beginning of a profound healing.
Bill
